Blank Checks

One of the many things that I love about truth is that it can be said many different ways and yet remain the same.  Hearing truth explained in one way may not at first elicit a reaction, but perhaps by hearing it phrased differently it comes alive.  Sometimes with heart wrenching effect.  As years pass I understand more and more why Jesus often used stories to convey deep messages of truth.  Like pointing out a speck of gold, hoping that we will be enticed enough to get our hands dirty and dig up the rest of the gold nuggets that are hidden beneath the surface of the earth.  It can be hard work excavating the truth.  And yet there is nothing so refreshing to my often weary, and sun scorched heart as the waters of truth.  Especially spiritual, God ordained truth.  Truth not just to live by, but truth that reaches into the deepest caverns of my soul and plants itself there.  Taking root and giving birth to rich color and light in the deepest shadows.

That's how I felt this morning as I pondered the truths being revealed to me during my morning "coffee date" with Jesus.  I was letting my mind rest on the name of Jesus.  Thinking about how many books, sermons, and songs have been written, spoken, and sung on just His name.  With the help of minds much smarter than mine, I found myself looking at His name written in a way that I had never seen it before.  Je-sus.  Never have two syllables contained so much for humanity.  The Hebrew form of Jesus is Yehoshuah.  A Hebrew name literally translated as, "I AM the savior, deliverer."  "Je" meaning Jehovah and "sus" the equivalent to "Savior."  Even Jesus' name is a reminder of all that God wants to be for us. ie: Everything.  In the moment that God first called Himself "I AM," He was not making Himself ambiguous as some would think.  He wasn't creating a riddle.  He was making Himself accessible to His people.  The ones that He loves.  And He continued making Himself accessible in the personhood of Jesus, the ultimate provision for our deepest need.

Our needs continue today.  Even with the salvation of our souls we often live lives of deficit.  Forgetting that God is I AM.   Jehovah Jireh: I AM the provider. (Gen. 22:13-14)  Jehovah Nissi: I AM your banner. (Ex. 17:15)  Jehovah Shalom: I AM peace. (Judges 6:24)  Jehovah is a self given name.  A name that in effect created a book of "blank checks" for us to use whenever we needed.  God saying, "I AM everything you will ever need, yesterday, today, and forever.  I AM never depleted, never insufficient."  Most of us have experienced receiving that annoying little white slip from our bank that says, "Insufficient funds" on such and such a date."  I like to think of myself as responsible, but sometimes, things slip by like a check I forgot I had written.  Always a reminder that I am not self sufficient.

And when those little white slips do come, I am not saying that God is going to cover the deficit we've created.  Though sometimes He does.  What I am saying is that when we have needs, from school loans, to spouses.  Rent to reassurance.  Patience to peace.  He IS supply, He IS peace, He IS comfort, He IS love.  He is unending, and He is handing us a check book with every signature line signed by His omnipotent hand.  Just waiting for us to fill in the amount. Waiting for us to have open hearts to accept what He is so freely handing us.  He is holding out blank checks as we run around worrying, wondering, crying, and sighing. He is waiting for us to just make a withdraw from His account.  Whispering, "You have not because you ask not."

(As a caveat, I am not endorsing that we treat God like a Genie or a "Daddy Warbucks."  I am simply saying that when we ask out of our need and genuine desire, rooted in Him, then we need not fear receiving a timely and generous response.  Even though, sometimes, those responses look different than we expected.)

In scripture it says that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  In Corrie Ten Booms book, The Hiding Place,  Corrie inquires of her sister Besty where they will get the funding to accomplish their calling.  Betsy says, "Well, God owns a cattle on a thousand hills.  We'll just ask Him to sell one."  This story helps me keep my perspective.  Because whether it's cows or checks, God's got enough of both to take care of whatever we may need.  So don't be afraid to write those checks, God is big enough to cash them. He is Jehovah. He is I AM.

All You Need Is Love?

We all know that phrase, "The world doesn't revolve around you!"  We say it when secretly we want the world to revolve around us, and someone else is getting the attention that we feel we deserve.  I mean if we are really honest, isn't that the truth?  We, like Satan, want the world to revolve around us?  After the fall God put into action His "in case of emergency" plan.  By setting the stage for Jesus to come and bleed for us.  Jesus' death was about so much more than a "get out of hell" free card.  It was about starting billions of inner revivals. He was planting seeds of love in our hearts that would spread into all the world. But the problem is that many of us haven't really accepted that love.  And without it we cannot hope to change anything.  It can be likened to how for centuries we thought that the Sun was the center of the universe.  Without His love we become the center of our own universe.

In our worlds we see every individual like they are the "extras" and we the leading roles, at best we see others as the "supporting cast" on our stage.  Let's be honest. We do don't we?  Our every action stems from our need to be the "center" of our universe.  A world unto ourselves.  A lone island in the midst of an ocean.  Because of this tendency, it's easy to assume that everyone thinks like we do.  That everyone should agree with us, because on our planet everyone would.  Duh...  So at this point if you disagree, stop that! Just kidding.  Seriously, though, we can say that we really think that the world is about others, but do we act like it?  How many times a day do we really, no strings attached, think about another person's well being?  THEIR world.  And not because thinking of them and helping them, helps us, but just because...

Humanity has a hard time seeing the smaller picture.  We spend so much time painting a broad stroke over everything.  We paint the world with our own individual paint brushes.  With strokes that deem people as happy, depressed, mean, spoiled, unchurched, grumpy, offensive, rude, self-centered... We paint the world according to the imperfect colors we have on our pallets.  The problem? We cannot create light from dark.  In our own imperfection we use a spectrum of color that comes from the shadows of our own hearts.  We see all things dimly. We cannot judge a person's intentions, because we just can't know them.  So here's the point: we have to allow God to change our pallet of colors, to shine light into our own hearts, so that when we project things onto others we are projecting love, understanding, peace, joy, compassion.  The very same colors that Christ paints us with.

Most of the time I get so focused on the "big" things in life.  Like wanting to do more for God, so I can make Him proud of me or something irrational like that.  However, I can't make Him prouder of me than He already is.  Neither can I make Him love me more. He loves us with an everlasting love. And from this love He gives this command, "Love ME with all your heart and soul and mind and strength."  Then, "love your neighbor as yourself." From our relationship with Him comes the ability to love our neighbors, and when we are loving our neighbors we are changing their world.  We help to add different colors of light to their pallets so that they can do the same for others.  The truth is, the key to world change isn't through lots of money and big charity campaigns, it's through realizing that as our inner worlds are altered, outer worlds are changed. 

 Change begets change. It is easy to try and change the world through writing a check, or volunteering, and I am not saying these things are bad.  However, I do think that nothing gets changed without love.  So no matter how many checks we write or homeless shelter meals we serve, if we have no love it doesn't really change anything. (I Corinthians 13) The ultimate point is this: We have to let ourselves be loved by God first.  By makeing HIM the center, we can walk into unfamiliar worlds and say I am going to love you, like Christ has loved me.  

Love you like Christ. Like when He sacrificially left His home and came to an unfamiliar world to learn its culture, customs, language, heart.  We too can say, "I am going to sacrificially learn another's "culture,"  "language," dreams and desires."  And then lay myself down for them. There are over 6 billion individual sub-cultures in this world.  For every human being there is more to learn.  And all that information means that we will be better equipped to love them.  Taking our eyes off of ourselves, and our "worlds," and learning to speak the language that every "world" needs to hear and experience, love.  And when you love someone long enough and hard enough it has the power to change them forever.  Anyone who has been relentlessly pursued by Christ can testify to that. So, friends, here's to being changed by love. Here's to loving relentlessly. Here's to changing the world.

Are You Ready for Rain?

This summer has been the soggiest that I can remember in Colorado.  Cloudy day, after cloudy day.  This is not a complaint.  Not in the slightest as I have been one of hundreds, I am sure, that have been praying for the much needed condensation.  However, it started a train of thoughts for me. The beginning of my "thought train" began with the rainiest day last Saturday.  I was driving down to Lakewood from Evergreen under black skies and buckets of rain.

 

As I made it onto the highway I realized that the rain was coming down so hard that the ground couldn't handle the moisture and drainage systems were getting backed up. I decided it would be a safer journey to take side roads.  Until I realized that the side roads were turning into small rivers, and lakes in some cases.  At one point I had to turn around for fear of flooding my engine.  (Yeah, I saw that "how to" video on driving in flood conditions. . .) So I headed in another direction only to run into a small pond.  It was starting to get rather ridiculous, and I was frustrated. But then I had a thought.  "Isn't this storm so analogous to our lives and the "blessings", dreams, and hopes that we pray for everyday?"

 

Here's the rest of that thought.  We as Christians pray for a LOT of things.  We pray for safety, for health, for relationships, for jobs, for direction, for family, etc.  There are as many prayer requests as there are people breathing.  Here's the thing though.  Does a farmer pray for rain if they haven't plowed and seeded their field?  Does a business owner open their store without first hiring employees, an accountant, stocking the shelves, making sure there's enough parking, double checking the lease, and taking out loans?  Does a couple about to have a baby just "wing it".  No baby room preparation, no diapers stored under the new crib, no baby shower, and no checking their health insurance options? Never. Like the rain, that Colorado is in desperate need of, we sometimes ask for things that we are not prepared to receive.  Like sewers that are not sufficient, and flooded streets, we could be asking for difficulties, not blessings.

 

Now it's not a perfect analogy because there are always unforeseen elements in effect with "acts of God." Therefore, there will always be things that we cannot accurately prepare for.  However, this is my point. What are you praying for that you are not even remotely ready to receive into your life should it come? And is it possible that God is withholding this gift from you?  NOT because He doesn't love you, and NOT because He doesn't WANT to give it to you, but because He knows that if He does it will cause more harm than good.  Like silt clogging the sewers. Small boulders blocking the road. And tiny lakes that you can't drive through.  To bring it more into perspective let's use some human examples. 

 

For instance, are you praying for a job?  But you're looking for jobs that you are honestly not qualified for?  Are you praying for a relationship? (Which chances are, if you're single, you are at this very moment.) Are you spiritually ready for that relationship? Is your "marriage skill set" up to par? Can you cook? Are you orderly? Will you, without complaint, do the dirty things that need to be done to run a house? Is balancing the house budget in your skill set? I could go on, you get the picture.  Are you praying for ministry opportunities? But you still allow pride to rule your heart and motives?  Can you be submissive? Have you cultivated a servant's heart?  Have you been faithful with the little things?  I'll say it again, don't pray for rain if you haven't prepped your fields. Or like scripture says, "A man reaps what He sows." (Galatians 6:7) I'd like to add, or doesn't reap what he doesn't sow. To pray for rain without preparation is a waste of good water, AND you'll be plowing a field that has turned to part clay and part swamp.  If you can still plow at all.

 

Once again, this is a thought train that applies to ME first.  I only blog about things that convict my heart.  Things that the Lord is revealing to me in my own life.  So I have been evaluating the "fields" in my life and wondering if they're ready for God's merciful blessings or not.  Be honest with yourself.  It then makes waiting a little easier too, because you begin to see the waiting as a blessing, and you have time to identify those "rocks" that need to be removed, or you simply have more time to plow and plant. 

 

As a final example, and I will let this stand as the "caboose" to this thought train, King Saul and King David.  Israel cried out for a "king."  For reasons that were, let's just say, shallow and rebellious.  So God finally relented, and tells Samuel to give them what they want.  And who was selected? Saul.  A man that was NOT after God's own heart and you can read The Kings and The Chronicles for all the details. Saul ended up dragging Israel through the dirt.  When, if they had waited a little longer, God would have given them David: "A man after God's own heart."  Then ultimately Jesus, who was the plan all along.  What I am saying is, don't ask for something wrong or ill timed, for so long that God gives you what you want, not to bless you, but to discipline you. Turning your blessing into a curse.  Your drought ending rain into flooding rivers.  

 

Wait on the Lord.   His timing is perfect. When you are patient you can expect blessing.  In the mean time, what fields of yours need tending to?

WARNING: Could be Controversial

In light of some recent events and the fact that these thoughts have been swirling around in my head on and off for the last 8 years, I finally let my fingers release my thoughts on paper. Well computer screen. The following is the result of letting each experience and story that God has brought into my life be teachable moments. Growth opportunities. Standard makers. You may not like what you are about to read. Keep in mind however, that these thoughts are based off of actual experience, truth that comes from the Holy Spirit's leading, and eye witness encounters with others walking this single road.  This is not meant to be an "angry rant." Rather friendly observations that could be helpful to my single brothers and sisters.
 
So here we go:
 
It seems that I keep hearing about and witnessing what is quickly becoming known as "emotional dating." Allow me to describe what this "emotional dating" scenario looks like.  A guy and a girl begin talking.  They see each other at social events. Group settings.  Slowly, but surely, they start going to these "group" functions solely to see the other person.  Like a date, but not.  The guy or girl finds a way to get the other's number and a series of "text-sations" begins.  And then what you have is what is known as "emotional dating."  Where either one, or both parties, are emotionally involved but there is no statement of intent made.  And let me say this: THE STATEMENT OF INTENT SHOULD BE COMING FROM THE GUY. The steps taken in the beginning of a relationship set the tone.  So the first "notes" of a relationship should be setting the standards that you hope to cultivate for the rest of your relationship.  Like who the leader is going to be.
 
Let me interject this here. Girls, if the guy is not showing you any interest than do not try to "make" things up or try to pursue him. This is just going to make you annoying.  It is not going to get you the end result that you deserve or desire. It is the man's role to lead, and by you trying to "make" something happen you are already trying to control a relationship that you shouldn't be leading in the first place. Pursual on your part will only cause problems in the future. Either for your own heart, or heaven forbid, you get what you want. Because then you've made it happen unnaturally. You've created problems in the balance of your relationship before it's even started. So, just because a guy opens the door for you, tells you that it's nice to see you, shows concern for your well being after he hears that you weren't feeling well, or tells you you look nice, does NOT mean that he wants to date you.  He is simply being a gentleman and a good brother in Christ. A good rule to live by is: it's nothing until he says it's something.

Guys, you also need to know what is acceptable behavior for "just friends." And that if you want more than that, you need to use your words. Clarify your intentions.  Not just for the girl, but for yourself.  You stating your interest allows you then to either pursue freely because she knows you're pursuing and has given you the go ahead.  Or it allows you to know that the feelings are not reciprocated and you can move on not wondering about the "what if's."

Although there is more written on this below here are a few tips to avoid confusion. Girls are NOT guys. So do not treat girls like  dudes. DO NOT invite them to hang out one on one, do not ask for their number to "hang out sometime." Those words, "Hang out" are very ambiquous. If you do get their number, do not text them all day long looking for clues as to whether or not their interested.  If you want that information, just ask. WHATEVER you do, DO NOT ask a girl to hang out one on one to hear her testimony, unless you are interested in pursuing her.  And that interest should be stated before you hear her story. Testimonies are intimate.  And don't need to be shared between guys and girls on a one on one basis ,if at all. 

Moving on. Men, you don't need a girl to give you ALL the right "signs" to let you know that she wants your attention.  Those signs are reserved for AFTER you make a statement of intent. Those little encouragements are for AFTER you make your desires known. You do not need a 99% chance of success to ask a girl on a date. There is always risk involved for things that are worth it. So put yourself out there. In my case if I am truly interested in a guy, I am cordial, friendly, have a conversation when I can, and then virtually ignore them the rest of the time. This keeps me at a safe distance so that I do not end up trying to "stack the deck" in my favor.  Pursual is not my job. This self induced distance ensures that I remember this fact.

Also do not be intimidated by the fact that a girl has a strong group of female friends in her life.  We all need a support system.  She's not using her friends as a defense against guys, she is using it as a defense against making decisions out of loneliness. As well as mutual encouragement as they walk this road of singleness together.  If you're looking for an opening. Make one. 
 
Now let me clarify something here. If you aren't interested in someone of the opposite sex as more than a friend, or if intentions were not clarified...TEXTING for ENTIRE days, should not be happening. This was mentioned above, but here's the explanation.  Most people don't even text their best friends as much as they will begin texting someone of the opposite sex when they are interested.  So if you aren't interested in being more than friends, then why are you texting? Maybe that's just the "old fashion" girl in me, but I'm serious. How does this benefit anyone? Other than confuse both people's hearts, and muddy the waters of intention?  Texting is a "no risk" method of, "getting to know" someone without ANY commitment whatsoever.  Because if you decide that you don't want to be in this "text-a-tion-ship" anymore, then you just stop texting. However, for the party on the other side, who was possibly expecting a statement of intent at any time, they feel like they are going through a break up.
 
You see, there's a whole lot of "dating" going on, using another person's emotions, time, and attention with no real committment.  What is so hard about a guy actually stating their intentions?  I mean come on, asking a girl on a date doesn't mean that you are going to marry her.  If you can't ask her on a date, then don't lead her on. This means no day long texting conversations, inviting her to every group event that you can think of, hanging out one on one, and singling her out in group settings.  Please hear me on this. For girls it's emotionally exhausting. Another reason they may surround themselves with girlfriends and activity.  

It seems like there is a whole lot of fear or indecisiveness, on the male side of things. I know that girls can be confusing and you don't know if she's really interested, and there is always the fear of being rejected, but what if you don't get rejected? What if she says "yes?"  Sometimes I think that's the bigger issue. What if she does say yes? Here's the thing.  If you are not ready to be in a long term relationship, possibly ending in marriage: then DON'T DATE. You're only causing problems for yourself and for the girl. Any other form of dating is pure selfishness, and this goes both ways. Ladies, if you don't see yourself with a guy, then just be cruel to be kind and say "no."
 
It is not the girl's role to pursue the guy.  In today's society it has become this "normal thing" for girls to see a guy they are interested in and begin pursuit.  This is NOT OK.  It is the MALE'S role to pursue. (Got that fellas?) Ladies, even Christ, our example, came 13 dimensions, left heaven's throne room, and died to pursue His love. His bride. YOU.  So why do we try to "sell" ourselves? Feel the need to highlight ourselves?  All this does is cause us to focus WAY more on ourselves, than others.  To see others as competition instead of brothers and sisters in the Lord.  
 
This mentality causes us to worry WAY more about our future than is healthy.  Take our relationships out of God's hands and begin planning our own story.  And to feel HIGHLY insecure about who He has made us, even to the point of depression.  Let's face it, even on our BEST days, we can't fathom what God truly wants to give to us or just how treasured we truly are to Him.  Be patient. He has a plan.  Even singleness has a role to play in your eternal formation.  God cares WAY more about the condition of your soul, then He does about YOU finding a mate. So you worrying, planning, and doubting is quite possibly only prolonging your waiting, and making your single road longer.
 
 BE YOU.  Be who God intended you to be. You don't have to alter yourself to try to fit what someone else wants. Worrying about what impression you are making. If that's what it takes to attract a guy, how long do you think you can keep up the facade? I don't know about you, but I like me and want to be ME not someone else. Ladies, stop making yourself over available.  Stop giving your number to any guy who asks for it, even before you know anything about them. And guys, stop asking for girls numbers even before you know anything about them. Also, if you are a guy, stop trying to get the "new girl" connected. If you are a girl, stop trying to get the "new guy" connected. Do you really want to get them connected with community? Or connected with you?

 Ladies, stop making sure that you randomly "happen" to be in the same place as the guy you're interested in.  Stop inviting them to social things any chance you get. You are only causing yourself more hurt.  As ladies we are setting ourselves up for rejection more often than we were ever meant to experience.  No wonder self-confidence issues are at an all time high. Know this: if God wants you to be with a guy He'll make it happen. In essence stop trying to "stack the deck."  We all get frustrated because guys aren't "manning" up.  They aren't pursuing us in the ways that we desire and deserve to be pursued.  And it's partly our fault.  

Another thing to be focused on, rather than your lack of relationship, is what are YOU doing to prepare yourself for the one that God has planned for you? And not just spiritual.  Men are you financially secure? A good leader? Resolve conflict well? Ladies, are you prepared to be sacrificial for your family? Ready to submit? Can you cook? Clean? Wash laundry without dying all the whites pink, and shrinking all the cotton blends?

Moving on...Ladies, we have to stop prematurely climbing out of our "towers", and trying to make the "magic" happen in our own fairy tales.  We're the princesses, not the fairy godmothers. When we climb out of our "towers" and create signs leading the way, and a map to where our tower is, and then try to provide the horse, the armor, and the script for when the "prince" finally finds us. When we do these things we are telling God we can write the story better than Him. AND we may be inviting "false princes" to come and find something that God hid for a reason. You are precious to Him.  Escaping your "tower" is not giving you freedom, it's creating heartache upon heartache.  The heartache that comes from waiting is FAR gentler than the heartache that comes from a broken relationship. Plus you may be messing around with a "frog", when your real "prince" finally arives. That would be awkward. You want a guy who is looking to God for the directions and the tools he needs to find you.  And God doesn't need your help.
 
Ladies, you want a man who is listening to God's heart for His life.  And if a guy is truly listening to God, then He is going to find you. You don't have to put on a show.  Flaunt what you have.  Be competitive with other girls.  If he's yours, then you have nothing to worry about, God will get you to him. Protect your heart. Walls are not always a bad thing.  Begin to make it obvious that if serious intention is not there, then a guy might as well not even try.  Your "tower" is there to deter unwanted suitors, not make you completely unavailable.  Guys, learn to tell the difference between us protecting our hearts, and just plain disinterest.
 
Ladies, part of your role is to help guys learn how to really win your heart.  Not just for ourselves, but for other girls after you.  Maybe we need more time to focus on who we are, and what God put us here for, than just "getting married."  God placed dreams in YOUR heart.  He gave YOU giftings, and not just to be a mother and wife.  If marriage is the goal. What's after that? You can marry anyone.  The point is to be a woman that will, in GOD'S timing, attract a man that she can compliment, and therefore advance the Kingdom of God in a more powerful way.  If that isn't the goal of your relationship then there's no point.  We should all be spending a little more time focusing on who we are in Christ than who we want to be with or for someone else.
 
Guys. If you want to know why you keep ending up in the "friend zone."  Apply the aforementioned as well as remember this: EVERY GIRL IS NOT THE SAME.  You know how you don't like stereotypes? Neither do we. We do not all LOVE shopping. We do not all take 3 hours to get ready. Not even close. We do not all cry when we break a nail.  We are not all incapable of changing a tire, or our oil.  We do not all go to the bathroom in packs,  etc. . .  The reason you may be failing in your relationship endeavors comes down to your oversight.  You need to study a particular girl.  The one that you are REALLY interested in pursuing. Not just assume, as mentioned above, that we are all the same.  We have different preferences, likes, interests, and love languages. Learn them. Use them in your pursuit. 
 
And STOP saying that you want a great Christian girl, and then turn around and chase the first pretty face that you meet at Church.  Church does not equal Christian. And outward beauty does not mean that she has a heart to match. There are as many levels of faith as their are people, and looks. So don't assume that just because they're sitting in church that they have a great relationship with Christ.  STOP assuming that if they are beautiful that they have a heart to match.  STOP going for girls that make it REALLY easy for you to get in the door. STOP saying that looks don't really matter, but everyone knows that you only talk to the "pretty" girls. Stop letting girls pursue YOU. You could be detering the very girl you are supposed to be with... A girl's looks are fleeting and so are yours.
 
For instance, how many "hot" 70 year olds do you know? There's got to be more that attracts you to someone.  Many times as you get to know someone, and really study them, you begin to see the differences that I am talking about. Their heart for the Lord. Their interests and giftings.  God put more thought into a woman/man than just what they look like.  Things that can compliment you more than just how they look.  What are your dreams and ambitions?  Maybe you should start looking for a someone that can, and wants, to help you reach those goals. The highest ones being furthering God's Kingdom, and bringing Heaven to Earth.  Stop letting society dictate to you who you should date. (We can all see how swell they're all doing.) If you want a "trophy" than carry around a picture and stop bruising other people's hearts and your own.  You conrol the damage to a certain extent.  
 
Now I am not saying that pretty girls and good looking guys don't love Jesus. I'm just saying don't be fooled. Don't just start being interested in a girl because she's "SO hot!"  Get to know people! And the same applies, ladies.  Just because a guy shows up at church doesn't mean that they have a great relationship with Christ. We need to stop fooling ourselves.  Why are you really talking to the "new person?" It doesn't mean that they can lead you or your future family.  And the only way that we are going to know who does and doesn't is by making sure our own relationship is strong, and that we are tuning our hearts and minds to the Holy Spirit.
 
Being single is NOT a curse. If we would stop the pity party, and allow ourselves to refocus for one minute, we would see what a gift singleness can be. 
 
Also, ladies and gentleman, you cannot be "just friends" with the opposite sex.  Hear me out. I don't mean that you can't talk to them or know things about them.  But only to a certain level.  You can't be praying with them, talking to them all the time, sharing testimonies, and telling them every detail of your day and say you're "just friends." We have same gender friends for this type of communication.  You can't collect opposite sex friends.   By this I mean you can't have multiple "close" friends of the opposite sex.  You just can't. There are boundaries. A certain level of emotional intimacy should never be reached with the opposite sex unless you are dating.  And you should only be dating to get married.  Because the emotional attachment and detachment can be just as painful as the physical. 
 
Before you disagree with me on the "just friends" issue, here's another thing.  If you were to get into a relationship, this is for girls and guys, and your boyfriend/girlfriend has a "very close" friend of the opposite sex would that sit well with you?  And to add to that, what if this "friend" looked like a supermodel/GQ model? Is that going to breed trust?  Are you really going to be comfortable with this "friendship."  Them hanging out one on one, and sharing things with them. Getting advice from them ABOUT YOU.  I don't think so.  If you want advice about the opposite sex, from the opposite sex, ask an older, mature, happily married person of the opposite sex.  Like your dad, if not that, than possibly a leader in the church.  Stop making the excuse that you relate better to the opposite sex.  The truth is that it is probably feeding some deep seeded need for significance.  It's also clouding your ability to find the "one" because you are leaving so many "options" out there. And making it harder for you to tell what you really want.  Which brings me to the next point.
 
EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS WORK.  You know it's true.  Every friendship takes time and energy. Understanding, forgiveness, sacrifice, patience. Why would it be any different in a relationship?  Relationships take committment.  Sometimes there are things that arise that are deal breakers. Like issues of faith or how we deal with finances. So, know what your deal breakers are ahead of time, and be ready to walk away if they become an issue.  However, other than those things, there are just going to be those things that annoy you, or frustrate you.  These are normal.  Don't get ready to jump ship just because you get annoyed here and there.  Talk about it. Take the opportunity to not only grow closer through conflict, but to begin seeing the things about YOURSELF that may be annoying or frustrating them. You're not perfect either.  It's not always the other person's fault.  And know that if you dump this person, the next one is going to have issues too.  There is NO PERFECT PERSON. And no one person can have EVERY perfect quality. So quit trying to get EVERYTHING you want by keeping extras in your "friends" circle. 
 
What it comes down to is we aren't getting married when we're 70. When we have lived and learned, and can come into a relationship with little, to no baggage.  We are getting married in our 20s and 30s with a lot of life before us, and in some cases a lot of baggage.  A lot of personal change is ahead of us.  So get ready for that person to be the iron that is sharpening your iron. To be that catalyst that turns the heat up on your refining process.  It's like Paul said, if you don't want trouble than don't get married. The choice is yours.  And that's the point. YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE. 

 You choose your spouse and then you have to keep choosing them for the rest of your life.  Relationships work because two people are equally committed to the one another.  Equally willing to make sacrifices.  To put the other person first.  The other is not there to make you happy.   Ultimately you find someone who has the right foundation and then you build from there. You learn from each other and with every passing year it should get better.  With every passing year you should be saying, "I do" over and over again. Are there "soul mates?" I'd like to think so.  But I also think that they don't just happen.  They take work. They take a choice.
 
With that said, I will also say this: YOU CANNOT CHANGE A PERSON.  Only God can change a heart, a personality flaw, a lack of character.  So if you see something in a person that is not changing or they're not even willing to see their flaws, then you should probably stear clear.  Don't think that you can change them after you're together.  NOT YOUR JOB, and it's not even possible.  True change only comes from the One Who created their heart.  LADIES, restrain your mothering instincts.  It is not your job to change a guy or "save" him.  You need a leader.  Not a child.  Be sympathetic, but don't date them!  Men, you need a woman who is going to HELP you, not someone who needs you to be her daddy.
 
Ultimately it comes down to this: Girls ,you need to know how special you are apart from a man. You need to know that you are one of a kind. You need to KNOW that if God created you, than He has someone in mind for you. Let Him worry about the match making, you just worry about living. Chase that dream, the one that doesn't walk on two legs and looks like "Hugh Jackman." Maybe if you put as much effort into that dream as you do into trying to get a guy to notice you, you'd find a dream come true.  Confidence in yourself is a beauty enhancement that can never be bottled or sold in stores. 
 
Also, a man will NEVER define you. God defines you and you need to know that.  Because even if you find a guy that is totally centered on Christ and he's loving you to the best of his ability, he is GOING TO LET YOU DOWN.  Eventually his humanity will come out and if you are not rooted in Christ, you are going to be devastated.  Being rooted in Christ not only permits you to love yourself, it also allows you to love the future "HIM" well. You are taking off all the pressure to perform and be perfect, and telling him that you are going to be OK no matter what happens in life.  No matter what job he has, no matter what stupid thing he may say, no matter what house he can afford, you are saying it's OK.  That's strong affirmation for him.  And he should be doing the same for you. Then as the years pass and your looks change it won't bother you because you'll know where your true significance lies and that the KING is enthralled by your beauty. And if you keep your heart rooted in Christ, an inner beauty will shine out of you till you die. TRUE, irreplacable beauty.
 
Guys: don't just treat every girl like they're the same. I know I said this before but this is SO important. Study them. Know what you want, and then make sure you find someone with the foundational things that you are looking for and go from there. But BE intentional.  Remember: asking a girl on a date does not mean that you are getting married. It's just one date to see if the things that you feel like you've seen are true.  And be intentional about the format of that first date.  Be specific in what you want to know. Don't waste the opportunity. The more you discover the first date the more you can make the second successful or know that there shouldn't be a second date.  Also remember this. PLEASE, leave some time in between your pursuits.  Having a new pursuit like every other week only makes girls feel like they are on a check off list. And quite frankly there are things that you can find out in group settings that would let you know that you shouldn't be pursuing someone.  Then you can save some money and both parties hearts.
 
ON both sides remember this: THE OPPOSITE SEX DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.  Neither does your relationship to them. YOU are here for a purpose outside of marriage. Marriage is only a small part of your life story.  There are things inside of you that God wants to call out and use. Don't let a guy or a girl change that.  Pursue God, pursue the things that He has placed in your heart, and when the time is right He will provide a suitable mate.  Don't settle. Make the decision that you would rather never be married than marry the wrong person.  And then let God lead you to the right person. No matter how long that takes.  Because your relationship to God matters FAR more than your relationship to the opposite sex.  Trust me, you can be happy and content single. It's possible. The choice is yours.

Letter to a Friend. . .

Dear Friend,

 

You are not alone. Not at all. I have been feeling the overwhelming amount of shallowness more and more. Sometimes it's so overwhelming I just want to run. But here's the thing. Swallow that "flight" instinct, and walk into a group and just love. Love on every and any person who wants to recieve.  Be a bridge builder.

 

That being said, you are not half as awkward as you may think and others are not half as normal as you think. We are all a little weird once we get to know one another. Another thing is, that although you feel like your interests are narrow. So are everyone else's. No lie. How many conversations do I have about things that I have no interest in? More than I care to count. We all have things that are unique to us. But here's the thing. I love to learn and I love people. So talking to people teaches me about things I would never learn about on my own, and I get to love people . So here's my solution. Don't FAKE anything. You don't fake like you actually care about something that you don't. But if the genuine care for the person is there, than talking about things that you don't really care about, sometimes, is OK. Because that care for the person is genuine.  And sometimes others are doing the same for you.  Like certain people in my family. I don't really care about what they're talking about, but I do care that they feel heard and valued.  So I listen anyway, and chime in here and there to let them know I am listening. 

 

Another thing. YOU are always welcome.  Yes the dynamic in the church group changes. It's true. There are many people that even I don't know now. However, that's the beauty. You can always come and not feel out of place because there are always people there that are feeling the exact same way. You identifying that your group of friends are human and sometimes negative is a good thing. I am not saying don't be friends with them, but you have to be filled in order to pour out. So make sure that you are staying close to the One Who loves you the most. 

We are NOT home yet. Not even close. And sometimes we place a greater value on relationships with others than on our relationship with the Lord. However, HE is the center. HE is the focus. When we are plugged into Him. Somehow the relationships with others get easier. You begin to find people that are as set on Jesus being the center of their lives as you are. And CHRIST, as He was always meant to be, becomes the center of your friendships. And really, after that, everything else is just details. Some that we legitamately only care about because we care about people. And that's OK.

 

(Having more postitive friends will probably also help too though. :) Split your time.) 

 

As an example of listening because you care for the person, not the topic:  Most of the time I don't really care about the newest fashion. I don't really care about a new hair cut. I don't care about the game. I don't care about the new car, new job, or the new apartment. I don't. However because these are the things that people are comfortable with talking about or because they genuinely are interested in these things I make conversation and take an interest.  Because by taking an interest in these "things" in a persons life you are taking an interest in the person.  The goal being that with time deeper conversations will happen. Mostly they have to be personally sparked though so that can be harder, but it gets easier over time.

 

All that being said you can't be something that you're not. So sometimes just being in a group and chiming in here and there works. You seem great at that. Seriously. I never thought of you as being awkward. EVER. You are easy to talk to. So don't let those fears, and thinking inwardly keep you from people either. Satan loves to lie to us about what others are thinking. Just be genuine. Be yourself. You'll find the people who want that. And to be frank the others are probably not supposed to be a part of your world. . .at least at this point in their lives.  The point is not to make everyone love you, it is to love on everyone else.  Even if they don't reciprocate.

 

Anyway. I hope that makes sense. In the end. The biggest thing that I have learned is that we are not home. We will always struggle with that nagging feeling that we don't belong. It's because we don't. This world is not our home. But we are here, and while we are it's a lifetime of lessons on how to bring heaven to Earth and love the ones that God loves. To know that this was never a story about us. We're just extras in a grand production to help make much of God. That being said, it also means we can just be free to live and love. Knowing we are completely accepted in Jesus. We have a specific role that only we can play. Knowing who we are in Christ and where we are headed.  And these facts put everything in perspective. 

 

May we learn to love others as He has loved us.

 

Annie

Life is Too Short to Live Wounded.

It is summer once again. And my favorite way to christen summer is by playing sand volleyball.  Which of course only leads to many more sun and sand filled days.  Now spraying on the sun protection, as we all know lotion is SO 2010. :)  I would play from sunup to sundown if my unweathered feet could stand the heat of the blistering sand.   But with the beginning of every new volleyball season, from high school to 29 brings along insecurity and fear of inadequacy.  I am not lying.  I have been haunted by the sport of volleyball since my sophomore year in high school.

It was like the worst break up ever. When my JV coach got moved to Varsity and I was stuck with a new coach.  I held on to the fact that next year I would be on Varsity and be under his coaching style again.  The man who believed in me, challenged me, and taught me almost everything I know about playing on the front row. I am short. For volleyball.  5'7" doesn't really strike intimidation into the hearts of your opponents. You know?  But Coach Eridon had faith in me. He called me out of setting and gave my competitive side an outlet. Left side hitter.  With a teammate's injury and my coaches faith in me, I had a great season. Most improved player, and a deeper love for the game I had been exposed to since birth.

Fast forward to Junior year. Coach Eridon was fired. Now I won't go in the politics that surrounded that decision, but I was devastated and never again had a coach of Mr. Eridon's caliber.  New coach. No faith in me. Never encouraged. Never challenged. Made me run more than the track team, and never did quite like me as much as the other taller girls. :/  So the sport that I had loved since I was 3, and old enough to form a solid memory, was quickly becoming a nightmare.  Something that I always felt confident in, and capable of performing well in, was becoming the thing that I was "the worst" at.

Almost 15 years later and those last two seasons of volleyball mark my confidence like those awful orange markings that construction crews use before demolition.  Now, I am the first person to criticize myself, just in case someone else was thinking it.  And I rarely feel confident when touching a ball on the court.  All of this has helped me realize that no matter how old we are, if we don't deal with the issues and scarring of our past, we continue to live out of those lies.  If we don't deal with the things below the surface, it's only a matter of time before the "above surface" things start sinking.  Like how I begin to treat my teammates because of my own insecurities.  Not fair to them, and completely avoidable. Completely.

So I started with making a list of every event of my young life, the things that I knew I still thought about with pangs, and then the people that made those events painful. Not just the voleyball ones. One at a time I began to review these things and ask Jesus to show me these people and events through His eyes, to give His love for them, and to let go.  Letting forgiveness flow out of the wounds.  Cleansing them, and healing them as the last of the infection from these wounds was drawn out.  The Holy Spirit disposing of the poison and replacing it with His love, acceptance, and deep, everlasting affection for me.  What are you still struggling with?  Insecurity? Competition? Self loathing?  What are the "arrows" that created these wounds and who were the archers? Are you willing to go through the pain of extricating these poisonous darts?  To begin healing?  My challenge is to start digging deeper, getting to the root, getting healed.  Life is too short to live wounded.

When we live wounded we are giving the enemy power over our lives. Our inner world is the place from which everything else flows. Like in Proverbs when it says, 'From the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." If we are allowing something to poison our inner world than we are releasing poison into the world around us.  Our internal reality affect our external reality, so it's time to let go, let God heal us, and start releasing healing into the world and the lives of others around us. Because if we don't then what message are we sending to those around us? If we never accept the healing power of Jesus, than we can't be an example of what God can do with a person's life.  Sermons are great. But never as impactful as when people see those truths being displayed in someone's life, actively changing someone's real life. Get healed, change your world and the world around you.

If people were flowers. . .

If life were a flower shop I am convinced that we would all be happier.  Not only would we be surrounded by beautiful things all day long, we may just start appreciating the smaller things in life.  Those things that are ephemeral, but so important to the health of our souls.  On certain Tuesdays I have the extreme pleasure of going to a giant flower warehouse and selecting flowers to sell at the farmer's market.  I find myself entranzed by the number and selection of flowers.  They range from your grocery store variety to the exotic.  Every time I am completely overwhelmed.  As my hands begin to go numb I still can't make myself leave until I have found the "perfect" combination of flowers for that day. Oblivious to the fact that I can see my breath and I may be contracting frostbite I continue to rumage.

The true joy though, comes after.  When they have finished delicately laying my treasures in a large brown box.  When they have finished wrapping it with that plastic cord, that is guaranteed not to break until you undo it yourself with one little tug. After they have loaded that box into the car and I am heading to the shop. This is when I feel the anticipation of what is about to follow.  Filling buckets with water and eagerly unwrapping each bundle like I know it's the best Christmas present ever. Placing each bunch in cool water and labeling them with their unique beautiful, and sometimes creative names.  Hypericum, and Snap Dragons, peonies, and hybiscus, sterling roses, ranunculus, statice, misty limonium, and tea roses.  I cut the rubber bands off the stems and watch them snap, unwind, and fall to the ground. Separating the bundles only makes the flowers more beautiful.  I begin assembling the bouquets and trimming the ends to just the right length. 

Now here I have to interject one fact.  I used to hate flowers. Let me rephrase that. I used to hate the cut flowers that you buy at stores.  I felt they were frivolous.  Why waste money on something that is going to die in 1-3 weeks?  That was until I was exposed to their magic.  The spell flowers casts on any mood.  Well chosen flowers given at just the right time have the potential to change a life.  I know that seems dramatic, but it's true.  Why do you think flowers have become the traditional way to decorate every event from weddings to funerals?  Why we still give flowers as hostest gifts, anniversary gifts, and birthday presents?  Or the feeling you get when Spring arrives and you see all those tulips and daffodils blooming at last?  When the world for that moment truly seems beautiful and things don't seem so bad afterall.

What about the way that a flower makes you want to slow down and appreciate life a little bit more. The way that they make you notice a house you've never seen before while driving to work?  How women love to wear them in their hair, and children love to pick them.  During this week's adventure to the flower warehouse and the 3 days that preceded I made a few realizations.  All relating to my value to God.  There are several verses that talk about how I am the apple of God's eye, and that He is enthralled by my beauty, and that although He clothes flowers in splendor He values me more.  As I spend more time with flowers and with the One Who loves me, I see how delicate they are and how we are similar.  Even the most hardy flower will not live forever, and neither will I.

But besides short life spans, there are other similarities. What if people were flowers? Maybe then we would have a better perspective on our own fraility and others. And maybe, just maybe, we would begin to grasp God's love for us. I mean would YOU die for a flower? Yet, in the perspective of eternity that's how short our life span is and about as helpful as we really are to the redemption story.  God chose a bunch of flowers.   What if we began to see  people how God sees them? The beauty that each person contains?  The differences? Just as every flower requires different amounts of water, sunlight, soil, and seasons.  People require different amounts of attention, love, kindness, understanding, and patience.  Just as God took such care in creating so many genres of flowers, He took infinite care in forming each and every person. 
 Ladies this part applies to you. I mean I'm a girl so my fellow sisters are who I feel the most capable of expressing myself to. Sister, you are a flower. You are beautiful. You are unique. You have been selected by the King and He delights in your beauty.  He is enthralled with every detail of who you are.  Just as we become entranced with the beauty of a beautiful flower arrangement (or at least I do), He is captivated by you. He knows how much "water" you need, how much "light", the type of "soil" you grow best in, and He tends to every need you have.  Treating you with as much delicacy as you require. Pruning you as needed. And loving every response you make to His master touch. 

Ladies, you were placed here to grace this world with beauty, creativity, and color.  Sometimes you may feel like the world is overlooking you. That you are not valuable or worthy.  How many people in this world overlook the things that are truly valuable?  I mean, look at today's society.  We have everyone so distracted.  Everyone so preoccupied with the shiny baubles of this world. Everyone so desensitized to what is sacred. That many people do not take the time to relish in the things that truly contain beauty and life.  Like women. You DO NOT have to make your "petals" more beautiful.  You DO NOT have to slim down your "stem", or change the color of your "leaves".  The King is ENTHRALLED with YOUR beauty.

The true King delights to just watch you.  To see how you blossom and change from sunrise to sunrise.  How you change from a dandelion into an orchid as the seasons change.  As you allow Him to transform you from the inside out.  Every morning we have the opportunity to open our petals to the Sun and bask in His love for us.  To let His acceptance settle into our "roots" and just be.  No competition just living. Flowers do not compete. They grow side by side, complement their fellow flowers in bouquets, and simply add their own flair wherever they are. It's like this.  You are your own genre of flower.  If I was a ranunculus I would be so sad if there were no snap dragons or anemones to keep me company.  A bouquet, a variety of flowers, is always more stunning than one flower all on it's own.  So whatever flower you are, be that.  Bloom, unfurl, thrive where you are planted.  And in time, when people, or a certain someone, is meant to discover your rare genus, you will be the discovery of their lifetime, and grace their home with beautiful color.

In the mean time don't try to be a rose when you may be a morning glory.  You'll only start to fade in those conditions. Roses do not grow well in morning glory conditions and vice versa.  So if you're feeling a little dry or over "sunned" maybe it's time to move to the shade?  Make a few changes. And let the Master Gardener show you how to thrive.