It is summer once again. And my favorite way to christen summer is by playing sand volleyball. Which of course only leads to many more sun and sand filled days. Now spraying on the sun protection, as we all know lotion is SO 2010. :) I would play from sunup to sundown if my unweathered feet could stand the heat of the blistering sand. But with the beginning of every new volleyball season, from high school to 29 brings along insecurity and fear of inadequacy. I am not lying. I have been haunted by the sport of volleyball since my sophomore year in high school.
It was like the worst break up ever. When my JV coach got moved to Varsity and I was stuck with a new coach. I held on to the fact that next year I would be on Varsity and be under his coaching style again. The man who believed in me, challenged me, and taught me almost everything I know about playing on the front row. I am short. For volleyball. 5'7" doesn't really strike intimidation into the hearts of your opponents. You know? But Coach Eridon had faith in me. He called me out of setting and gave my competitive side an outlet. Left side hitter. With a teammate's injury and my coaches faith in me, I had a great season. Most improved player, and a deeper love for the game I had been exposed to since birth.
Fast forward to Junior year. Coach Eridon was fired. Now I won't go in the politics that surrounded that decision, but I was devastated and never again had a coach of Mr. Eridon's caliber. New coach. No faith in me. Never encouraged. Never challenged. Made me run more than the track team, and never did quite like me as much as the other taller girls. :/ So the sport that I had loved since I was 3, and old enough to form a solid memory, was quickly becoming a nightmare. Something that I always felt confident in, and capable of performing well in, was becoming the thing that I was "the worst" at.
Almost 15 years later and those last two seasons of volleyball mark my confidence like those awful orange markings that construction crews use before demolition. Now, I am the first person to criticize myself, just in case someone else was thinking it. And I rarely feel confident when touching a ball on the court. All of this has helped me realize that no matter how old we are, if we don't deal with the issues and scarring of our past, we continue to live out of those lies. If we don't deal with the things below the surface, it's only a matter of time before the "above surface" things start sinking. Like how I begin to treat my teammates because of my own insecurities. Not fair to them, and completely avoidable. Completely.
So I started with making a list of every event of my young life, the things that I knew I still thought about with pangs, and then the people that made those events painful. Not just the voleyball ones. One at a time I began to review these things and ask Jesus to show me these people and events through His eyes, to give His love for them, and to let go. Letting forgiveness flow out of the wounds. Cleansing them, and healing them as the last of the infection from these wounds was drawn out. The Holy Spirit disposing of the poison and replacing it with His love, acceptance, and deep, everlasting affection for me. What are you still struggling with? Insecurity? Competition? Self loathing? What are the "arrows" that created these wounds and who were the archers? Are you willing to go through the pain of extricating these poisonous darts? To begin healing? My challenge is to start digging deeper, getting to the root, getting healed. Life is too short to live wounded.
When we live wounded we are giving the enemy power over our lives. Our inner world is the place from which everything else flows. Like in Proverbs when it says, 'From the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." If we are allowing something to poison our inner world than we are releasing poison into the world around us. Our internal reality affect our external reality, so it's time to let go, let God heal us, and start releasing healing into the world and the lives of others around us. Because if we don't then what message are we sending to those around us? If we never accept the healing power of Jesus, than we can't be an example of what God can do with a person's life. Sermons are great. But never as impactful as when people see those truths being displayed in someone's life, actively changing someone's real life. Get healed, change your world and the world around you.
It was like the worst break up ever. When my JV coach got moved to Varsity and I was stuck with a new coach. I held on to the fact that next year I would be on Varsity and be under his coaching style again. The man who believed in me, challenged me, and taught me almost everything I know about playing on the front row. I am short. For volleyball. 5'7" doesn't really strike intimidation into the hearts of your opponents. You know? But Coach Eridon had faith in me. He called me out of setting and gave my competitive side an outlet. Left side hitter. With a teammate's injury and my coaches faith in me, I had a great season. Most improved player, and a deeper love for the game I had been exposed to since birth.
Fast forward to Junior year. Coach Eridon was fired. Now I won't go in the politics that surrounded that decision, but I was devastated and never again had a coach of Mr. Eridon's caliber. New coach. No faith in me. Never encouraged. Never challenged. Made me run more than the track team, and never did quite like me as much as the other taller girls. :/ So the sport that I had loved since I was 3, and old enough to form a solid memory, was quickly becoming a nightmare. Something that I always felt confident in, and capable of performing well in, was becoming the thing that I was "the worst" at.
Almost 15 years later and those last two seasons of volleyball mark my confidence like those awful orange markings that construction crews use before demolition. Now, I am the first person to criticize myself, just in case someone else was thinking it. And I rarely feel confident when touching a ball on the court. All of this has helped me realize that no matter how old we are, if we don't deal with the issues and scarring of our past, we continue to live out of those lies. If we don't deal with the things below the surface, it's only a matter of time before the "above surface" things start sinking. Like how I begin to treat my teammates because of my own insecurities. Not fair to them, and completely avoidable. Completely.
So I started with making a list of every event of my young life, the things that I knew I still thought about with pangs, and then the people that made those events painful. Not just the voleyball ones. One at a time I began to review these things and ask Jesus to show me these people and events through His eyes, to give His love for them, and to let go. Letting forgiveness flow out of the wounds. Cleansing them, and healing them as the last of the infection from these wounds was drawn out. The Holy Spirit disposing of the poison and replacing it with His love, acceptance, and deep, everlasting affection for me. What are you still struggling with? Insecurity? Competition? Self loathing? What are the "arrows" that created these wounds and who were the archers? Are you willing to go through the pain of extricating these poisonous darts? To begin healing? My challenge is to start digging deeper, getting to the root, getting healed. Life is too short to live wounded.
When we live wounded we are giving the enemy power over our lives. Our inner world is the place from which everything else flows. Like in Proverbs when it says, 'From the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." If we are allowing something to poison our inner world than we are releasing poison into the world around us. Our internal reality affect our external reality, so it's time to let go, let God heal us, and start releasing healing into the world and the lives of others around us. Because if we don't then what message are we sending to those around us? If we never accept the healing power of Jesus, than we can't be an example of what God can do with a person's life. Sermons are great. But never as impactful as when people see those truths being displayed in someone's life, actively changing someone's real life. Get healed, change your world and the world around you.
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