Vulnerable Truth

It is hard for me to be so vulnerable.  I only share the things that I want to share, while masking the things that I don't want others to see.  I don't know why I do this.  I guess it's a defense mechanism that I have worked out over the years.  Yet, while I complain about how surface everyone else is I withhold the very things that tie us all together.  It's easy to talk about the "deep" things that we know don't really make us look weak or needy or hurt. To talk about the things that make us mad or frustrated.  To talk about the Lord and what He is teaching us, but we often leave out the details as to how He has been teaching us those precious lessons.  

This season God has been teaching me trust in so many areas, but the one that really keeps producing the desired faith that I long for so much is the season of singleness that I continually walk in year after year.  Desperately holding onto the standards that God has given me, and trying to love myself as much as He loves me.  To continue to say "no" because I DO have a  much deeper "yes" and "amen".  To continue to fight the insecurities that come with walking in life single. Not ALONE, but single.  Girls often talk about being "married" to Jesus.  Don't be fooled we all know that the pain is not lessened by this truth.  It just keeps us moving in the right direction despite the pain.  So here is my journal entry from last night.  One of the ones that I never share, but I know as I walk through life with many other single young women who are waiting, that they need to see this side,  They need to know they are not alone, and that with every passing year of your singleness He is still good, He is still faithful, and your value to Him is priceless.  So He is protecting you, saving you for something truly great.  For just as an earthly father will not consent to give his little girl to some unworthy jerk, neither will our all knowing, Heavenly Father.  He loves you too much and we are precious to Him.  So keep trusting through the pain.  It is working in you something far greater than we will ever see in this life. 

September 10th.2012

It is hard to not feel like everything in the universe is acting out in order to keep me single.  It’s hard to look at life and continue to hope that someone is actually out there and waiting for me, just like I am waiting for them.  To hold out the hope that someone as amazing as I am dreaming for is somehow miraculously single and searching for me.  It is a rare thing for a guy to catch my attention.  To elicit more than a passing thought.  So when I discover one of these rare jewels and I realize that once again God is saying “no”, it’s hard to keep hoping.  I feel like I am never going to hear “yes”. 

I want to run. I want to throw up every barrier and just surround myself with women, but that never ends well either because I have to keep letting them go as well, because eventually, and far before me, they find someone that God nods His sovereign head “yes” towards.  It’s the constant contradiction of seeing so much favor in my life, and yet being denied the thing my heart longs for most at this season of my life.  Yet, I do trust that He has a plan, but that does not mean that my heart does not ache with the longing that HE put there.  Every night curling up alone. Everyday seeing a child’s face that I wish were mine.  Every week wondering what it would be like to have someone to share life with.  Every part of life with no boundaries.  

Yet, my heart’s desire is for all of God to replace all of me.  For Him to consume me.  And I guess if that means that I am single for another decade, then I’m single.  Then I guess that somehow, in a way that I cannot even fathom, this is the best thing for me.  And I hate it.  I hate fighting the lies that somehow there isn’t anything wrong with me.   But never quite believing that it’s true.  I just hurt.  I just do.  I know that He is saying that that is OK.  It’s just harder as I let Him keep bringing the pain to the surface.  It seemed so much easier to just pretend that marriage was not something that I desired, and that singleness is bliss.  Now, all I can do is say, “I trust You,” even through the tears.  I desire complete surrender of this part of my heart.  I want my only desire to be for the Lord, and for Him to somehow keep this hope alive, when all I want to do is smother it to stop the pain.  So that I can lie to myself, and just accept the singleness.

He has with-held no good thing for me, NO good thing.  SO I have to believe that in HIS timing.  The long, slow, painful timing, He will bring me that which my heart desires most.   I have to believe.  So I keep saying it, and typing it, and re-reading it so that maybe my heart will understand, and my eyes will stop leaking.  I accept, Lord. I accept, and I bow my hurting heart to Your will, and I give you my angry fists and my tears of frustration, and I lay here asking You to hold me, and help me understand.  Deal with me tenderly, for I am fragile.  I am but dust and air.  Let even these tears bring You glory.   All of my life is for Your renown.  My pain for Your glory.  It is the least that I can do. 

I am finding that often times the more I hurt the more I can be sure that He is not at all silent, but working. And that I will never be the same.