Questions...

What do you do when all the boxes that you did not even realize you had put God in, are shattered.  What happens when God becomes SO big, SO real, SO loving, that you can’t even think about Him because you feel so unworthy.  Then what happens when that awesome God comes, and bends low, and offers you His hand and says, “Rise, you are my beloved, in whom I am well pleased. I do not desire that you live with these feelings of unworthiness.  For these feelings only create a non-existent barrier between us.  They make you believe that there is something that separates us, but I have said, ‘Nothing can separate you from My love, and that I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

What is the right response.  On one hand I have a holy God that deserves to be worshipped.  It seems like feelings of unworthiness is the appropriate response to a holy God.  It seems like all that I have been taught has only created a barrier between God and I.  Not set me free.  Not to usher me into the presence of the One that I desire more than anything.  Every school of thought has done nothing, but rip my hands out of His, and place them on the wheel of “good works” and “service”.  These schools have placed my feet on a “hamster wheel” of “going and doing to the least of these.”  They have made me nothing but tired, weary, frustrated.  Trying to do everything for God, like He created me to be a slave, and run me into the ground for His good pleasure. 

It’s a strange thing, that is hopefully leading me to true freedom, when I realize that God isn’t calling me to do, but simply “be”.  That He created me for His glory, but to also enjoy Him forever.  So the question remains, “Am I enjoying God?”  Because it seems like I am only striving.  Striving to please a God that has already made me completely whole and perfect.  A God who now sees me as His Son Jesus.  Whom He spoke these words over before Jesus ever started His miraculous ministry,” This is My Son in Whom I am well pleased.”  God does not want my service in order to proclaim me forgiven and loved.  All He wants is my heart turned towards Him, so that we can enjoy each other forever.  What I cannot comprehend does not change the truth.

My inability to wrap my finite brain, that only functions at 8-10%, around His glorious truth does not mean that I cannot believe His truth.  Jesus came to give me life to the fullest, and I spend all my time sucking the life out of life by slapping away His hand, and saying, “Oh, no God, I’ve got this.”  Like the God of the universe, the God of angel armies, whose feet kicks up the clouds in the sky as the dust of His feet, and rides on the wings of the dawn every morning, Who created everything that lives and breathes, needs me to do anything!  His original intention was not for me to work, work, work, but to live, live, LIVE. To love, and enjoy fellowship with Him.  THAT is still His first priority for me.  Work is from sin, and is now necessary, but it is not meant to be the box in which my life is confined.  

He created me to be His princess.  So I am left asking questions.  Questions which I so desperately want answers to, and to live those answers is my dream.  What would it look like if I expected more?  If I lived like I believed that I am royalty, that I have access to the throne room of God?  That when I ask for anything in Christ’s name, that He will answer me?  What if I lived like I believed that God loves me?  What if the new “normal” was simply living to enjoy God?  What do all of these things look like?  What if I cease striving and simply take His hand and let Him lead?  What if I take all the preconceived notions and I hand them to Him, and let the “author of salvation” truly write my story?  What does living truly free look like, life to the fullest?  Do I dare to dream?   Do I dare try to comprehend, and ask Him for His vision?  To see those things that the Bible has said, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can comprehend what God has for those that love Him.”  This is terrifyingly, thrilling.  I desire to know more.  More of Him, more of myself, and more of His heart towards me.  

But even if He doesn’t reveal a “plan” persay.  Even if I have to walk with only Him as a light to guide the way, I will follow Him anywhere, because I know that whatever is at the end of the path is going to blow my mind.  We say things, like “God has really been rocking my world”.  But what if we really let Him not only shake a little, but send the earthquakes and tornadoes necessary to rid us of everything that isn’t from Him.  To shake everything that can be shaken and break everything that can be broken so that only He remains.  Because this is the reality, everything, EVERYTHING, and I don’t say that all inclusively lightly.  EVERYTHING is either drawing us closer to Him, or pulling us away from Him.  Some things more gradually, but as someone once said, “It’s a slow fade to grey.”  All of the sudden after a slow fade you still end up in darkness.  I for one want to live in the light, to have it living in me, to radiate back to the King of Glory all that He deserves. 

I want to reflect His glory, not because I strive, but simply because that’s what happens when I spend time in His presence, enjoying Him.  Little children do not strive to be like their parents, they simply spend SO much time with them, watching, emulating, questioning, being disciplined, that they grow up becoming what they have seen and experienced their whole lives, for better or for worse.  I want to spend so much time with my Daddy, that it just happens.  I think that was always His intention.  He wants us to enjoy Him.  I thought about how much it must hurt His heart watching us trying so hard to please Him.  Ignoring Him in the pursuit of this lie.   Like a parent watching their child work so hard in school, and sports, and volunteering, and chores, to earn their approval, when all they really want is some time alone with that child to love on them, and affirm to them, that they are proud of them, but not because of their achievements, but simply because they are theirs.   He loved me while I was still a sinner, He died for me when I was still a sinner, He loved me then, and He loves me now. Nothing I can or ever will do, or not do, changes that fact.  I am loved.  I am free.