Steal, Kill, and Destroy. . .

This weekend has been a turmoil of emotions.  First the Art walk and the elevated state that left me in, and then the deepest lows when I was actually questioning if I wanted to continue this walk after all.  What extremes! Going from being so public, and proclaiming the name of Jesus, to almost denying that I felt anything at all.  A friend of the family’s suicide really rocked me more than I could have imagined.  The anger at her selfishness, but then the anger that Satan could have so effectively lied to her.  The reality that he really has come to steal, kill, and destroy was more than I could handle.  Things seemed so hopeless, and I felt like, “What’s the point?”  

I often wonder why God chose me to be a warrior.  Why He chose me for the front lines.  Why I get to be on the, “special ops team” of Christians.  It’s a hard position to take, and I am quickly finding out, that I either have to learn to fight, or the enemy can win.  At least the small victory of making me ineffective, because I can’t see past my own battles to help anyone else with theirs.  It comes down to the reality that even if I am wounded, I can still be effective for Christ, and helping others.  I can choose to push through.

I was angry. Begging the Lord to just intercede for a moment.  I thought about what I was asking for, as I sat weeping in front of the Lord.  Why I couldn’t just have a little help.  Asking why things had to be so hard.  He could intercede, He could stop the painful attacks.  Then He brought to mind the difference in Solomon’s and David’s walks.  Why David was a man after God’s own heart, and Solomon lost the Kingdom for his ancestors.  The main difference between these two men, is that one was a warrior, and the other was simply a philosopher.  David learned his lessons in seasons of waiting, on the battlefield, and through repentance.  Solomon only “learned” through study of what his father had learned through experience.  Solomon let the blessings that had come through his father’s heart tempt him away from the truth.

So although David’s life was wrought with distress and battle, Solomon lived a life of peace and prosperity a lifestyle that eventually tore his loyalty from God, and placed it in women and possessions.  Proof that all the wisdom in the world, when not coupled with the experiential knowledge of God and the testing of our faith, leads to our downfall.  Perhaps it isn’t as drastic as my friend or Solomon, but a downfall.  We fight so hard to have lives of prosperity and peace, when we should be praying for those very hardships that we try to avoid.  The ones that usher us before the gates of hell in a battle we never thought could exist.  So we can learn the reality of Who God is and the power that He lends to His children.  He is worth following into hell, and He has the power to lift us back out again. Refined.